i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
