I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
