I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
