I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
