i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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