Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
