I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
