You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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