I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.
Who isn't?
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
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