my mouth tastes like poor choices
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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