i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
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