Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
i will never coherently bang her
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Randomize
