I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
