I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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