U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
