It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
