You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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