My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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