how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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