R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
