Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
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