Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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