Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
For a second fuck I think last night went extremely well... our sexual relationship is progressing at a pace that im quite satisfied with.
Randomize
