I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
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