It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
