Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
