I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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