i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Randomize
