My liver just broke up with me...
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
