she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
Randomize
