the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
