he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
Randomize
