The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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