Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
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She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
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YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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