now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
