how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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