On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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