why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
