the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
