Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Randomize
