Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just want to make out with him forever
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
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