I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Randomize
