please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
