Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
