i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
