i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Randomize
