I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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