My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
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