I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
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