I think scott just propositioned me for sex
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize
