Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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