you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
