I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
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