OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
