Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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